Nostalgia

My work tour has come to an end. I miss home no doubt. I am however a little bit sad leaving good old England and wish I had more time in Dubai.

I have learned a lot from my interactions with people over the weeks. I have also earned the art of speaking out.  Saying it as it is. I am not sure it works all the time though but it has a cleansing effect…lol.

It is going to be tough living outside Nigeria permanently because as I am typing this, I am thinking of Banga soup from Niger-Delta Kitchen, Ewa agoyin and ata din din from 805 in Wuse 2, Iya Oyo’s Amala, Ewedu with Ponmo, fish and Ogufe, Akpuruakpu mbam from my Mother’s kitchen (I should go spend a weekend with my mum by month end), Nkwobi from that nice Owerri joint near my house. Open grill roasted catfish and pepper sauce from 2^nd Avenue in Gwarinpa.

I miss my house, my bed, the heat, the lack of electricity and the dusty air. I’ll probably grab a bowl of bitterleaf soup from Niger-Delta Kitchen with Eba and a book to join the longest fuel queue I can find as soon as I get home. I hear it’s the new chill.

I miss my office, my colleagues, the banter, the smiles, the frowns and the claps of accomplishment. 

I miss Uju, my friends...family (That's what they are).

Home is where the heart is...I can stretch out naked, sit on the rug in full nudity, eat Eba with my hands while watching comedy on my laptop. 

I am heading home😊

Emotional...

One day I shall blog about me without the masks. I shall tell of my successes and my failures.

One day I shall let myself be frail, willing to be dragged, helped, lifted and comforted.

This is not the time…

There are things I cannot change in life but there are things I can salvage. My default mode to suffering is salvage, rescue and abort mission. I never respond well to subtle threats.

Make me outright threats or promises and make sure you damn well keep them. The cowardice of it all is annoying. Are you afraid I’ll take it serious or are you so fearful that you’re looking for an escape route in case I call you out on your threat? Like why do people hint things they know are wrong to say outright? Subtle threats get me upset. 

These days when I get upset my stomach heaves, there’s so much body ache and then I start breathing exercises…LOL! (I learnt that in exercise class)

I’m going back to walking. It’s the best way to burn anger and being horny. Having my shoes pound the pavement, counting every step and thinking back on things I could have done better or knives I should have pushed further before twisting for the kill or freaky opportunities missed & how I'll make love to myself if I was a man. Walking is my emotional saviour. I go through recent sex scenes & I fight with anyone I am upset with while walking. I imagine responses and by the time the trip is done, I am fine. My mum jokes that one-day I’ll get upset with the ground and she’ll see what I’ll walk on. If you see me walking & smiling or frowning, you can bet what I'm doing.

I’ve been too angry lately. I need sex. Mind-blowing-toe-curling-sex. Breathless freaky sex. Sex cures a lot of things for me. Almost everything except being broke…LOL!

Now imagine sex on 100-thread count cotton sheets with fluffy pillows somewhere in the Maldives or Bora Bora with someone waiting on me hand and foot and fresh spicy food…

…Bottom-line, I need sex.

TRAPPED...

Sometimes,

I wish I had the chance to start over.

I want a new life.

I hate the life I’m living.

I feel I’m living in a box, trapped and counting down to a disaster.

I am an expressive person but my passions die slowly every other day. I dream of a beautiful day, of cherries, of flowers and a smiling sun…

…Then I wake up and I’m still here.

I wish I had more to write, more to say but all I can think of is how much more time do I have till I implode?

Thoughts

I have never really been a child. Don’t get me wrong I have great parents. Saying otherwise would mean being an ungrateful child because they gave everything. They gave up their life and made tough choices.

Where I come from, ‘I love you’ is not said. It is shown in sacrifices and they did love me so much. I just wished the little girl in me understood all that then.

I feel alone most times. I used to be my own protector till I understood God. Understanding the mysteries of faith has still not helped wipe away that emptiness. That feeling that I want to sleep and not worry.

I cry most times out of frustrations. I am an insomniac simply because I worry. I have known worry since I was 12. I have not been able to shut my eyes in peace. I worry about everything, looking over my shoulder all the time.

I have been told several times to ‘relax and be calm’. It is easy to say especially when most people prove you right. The demons I battle every night don’t let me off easily.

Most times, I want my childhood back. I want to sleep with no worries and without springing up with that constant dream of falling into a hole all chained and bound like an animal with no one to rescue me.

I always look out for people who can watch my back while I sleep. Someone who can say ‘I got you’ and mean it. I have had a few of these in the past but you know, life happened. Life tells you nothing is perfect so you choose to either stay with ‘I got you’ and ignore the other variables or walk away. All the times, I walked away.

I’m up again, thinking of the odd choices I have made out of fear and uncertainty. I am thinking of my present situation, I still want my childhood. I want a shot at being able to sleep, being taken care of with no fear of harm or betrayal. Being able to close my eyes and walk the remaining distance knowing someone here on earth has got me.

Loneliness is a thing of the mind. I am perpetually lonely in the midst of a crowd. My thoughts give me no relief. I am bound by expectations of behaviour. It’s even worse now that I am afraid of reacting to issues. I smile stupidly, nod and giggle at unfunny things so I don’t come off as odd or angry. 

Relief comes once in a while when I can slip out in the dark and take a long walk, let out a high-pitched scream and walk back into my bed.

LESSONS

Selfishness:

One of the things I have learned in my life is to be selfish. Recently I have not been selfish and it has cost me a lot. Everyone loves himself or herself more than the next person so why not love you more than that person?

Let me tell you a bit of how selfishness can save you and make you more human. The holy books say to love ‘your neighbour as you love yourself’. Now you see the thing is we all have ways we love ourselves and one of the basic human needs is to be treated the way you want/like/love to be treated and not how another person likes being treated. We want our unique moulds to be recognised and put into consideration. Now if you want to keep to the neighbourly commandment, it means recognising the unique mould of another person and treating them the way they want to be treated/loved because that is what a selfish you will love.

Disappointments are good

I used to wail and panic and try to control situations in order to stem disappointments but I am acquiring a new aura of calmness about things. The logic is this; disappointments help you see the chink in another human’s armour. It exposes their vulnerability. It helps you measure trust. If I am expected to maintain a certain standard and I fall below it constantly, it is normal to demote me from that standard.

You know the old me used to think ‘expect nothing from people so you do not get disappointed’ but no, it is a sad way to live. We all come to life with expectations. It could be good, bad or unsure but there are always minimal expectations from everyone you meet. Expecting an outcome/yield/behaviour etc. from someone/something is a measure of respect/esteem or lack of it you have for that person/thing.

Now you see, when you hold those expectations, a disappointment is good. It’s a chance to reassess the situation and change the players in your life’s script.

It is obvious that if I expect nothing from you, you are on the lowest rung of life’s ladder for me. That means you are of no value to me and very dispensable. It is a sad place to be.

You can always do better

This seems a bit cliché but you can always do better. Okay, let me put it this way; ever had mind-blowing sex and you think “Yes!!!’ or ‘Finally!!!’ then you part ways and there is this other girl/guy who then proceeds to take you into unexplored realms of pleasure?

Yes, that’s the way it is. We always have standards/tastes that keep evolving. The good thing is every step up the ladder tells you what could lie ahead. I am not saying there is a definite measurement for what lies ahead but look back and tell me I am wrong.

Whatever you do, know when to pass and when to fold

Unacceptable

So today’s blog is a bit different. I am not sure if it qualifies for The Aisle but enjoy it (or try to) anyway. I just got this story and tried to capture it as best as I can in the words it was told. Took the title from a movie I saw over the weekend 'The Terminal"(plot totally different)

So have you ever thought of marrying someone so bad that you choke and cry just thinking of her? The emotions you feel when she pops into your head is that of so much happiness, joy, peace, reassurance that no matters what happens, she is your anchor. She is the reason you will do shit that makes no sense but still think it is okay?

Now this is one girl who has been there for me all through the bad times. First I wanted her as my best friend, and then she wanted me as her lover now all I can think of is how to make her happy and keep her deified and untouched by no one. All I can think of is how to make her happy but I cannot and it makes me deeply sad.

That is how fucked up I am right now. My thoughts are a mess but I am not confused; I am clear as to whom I am and what I want to do. I want to marry her not fuck her. I want to be the one she comes back to every day and tells about ups, downs and mysteries that run in her head. I want to be the one who provides answers to her troubles.

Now you see, we are two girly girls. We are not what the society stereotypes but we are still what most of them reject simply because they do not understand how we feel. Is it strange that we love dick but love each other more?

When I think of marriage, when I think of that one person I’ll rather grow old with, watch poop, watch get sick and get well, when I think of laughter and legs outstretched and interlocking each other in the Zanzibar sun, all I think of is her.