From the archives... (2)

So I promised that every week till the end of May, I'll put out tidbits of stuff I wrote a long time ago.  I wrote tons of stuff (Most of which I have deleted) in my Facebook notes. This was written on the 4th of May, 2010. Violence is bad. People die from it. As a kid, stories were told of people who died merely cos someone pushed them and they fell not knowing they had underlying illnesses. I simply believe people who indulge in violence despise themselves. Why go to jail when you can be free? In school, violence appeared cool. people were mobbing people, girls were beating up girls for boys. If you say you've never fought, you'll get mocked to the heavens and back. Somehow my silence on the matter saved me the trouble cos I truly believe I can slap you and you'll now come and die, then I'll go to jail just like that? nah B! That's not in my life's plan. I'm going to go to the ICC/ICJ to do great stuff.
I was taught as a kid never to fight. My folks believe talking solves everything. Maybe that's why I became a lawyer. If I like you, I can talk you to death (not literally). At a point I believed I could talk my way to heaven. All I needed to do was to convince Jesus and Jehovah that everything was done for good :)


So here it is;

The Break Up

I don’t want this life, I'm not sure I do. Writing letters or notes never works. It'll always be misconstrued. This is what happens. He thinks he's in my head. He thinks he sees my thoughts ahead of me. We no longer communicate...what do you tell a man who says he can hear your thoughts?

I watch him march around the house...I slither into a corner looking round like prey caught by the tail. I watch the Fridge slam shut, I shiver.

It’s another morning, my mind is frantic...can hear it whirring, what do I say to him? He mustn’t suspect...he mustn’t know I’m out of his mental trap.

I switch on my robot mode...he's back to the bed. He fumbles with my body, am detached...I watch him from eyes unseen. She moves unspoken feeling his engorged member. I feel her struggle for words but none seems appropriate. He mounts her. My heart wails for her. In a few moments, it’s over.

I move back in, I console her. He mustn’t know the torture's almost over.

Am exchanging certainty for uncertainty. They don’t understand. Am not seeking for what’s better cos I wont know it when i see it. My mind's muddled though made up. I've seen no greener pastures. Am shedding my fear.

He's up. Straight to the bathroom to clean up. I hear the water running. It’s stopped. He's getting out...out the front door. I’m glad. Hmmm! A sigh of relief.

Relaxation, my thoughts flow, intertwining with each other...I hear a sound, he's back.

He talks, I can’t hear him. It’s disturbing. I can’t be in a room with him for too long without feeling there's something I must do to stop him being angry. But I never know what i should do. I don’t feel at home. I'll definitely let go.

'Yes baby, alright' I switch on my autopilot. How long it will last, I can’t tell.

The War Room Palaver...

Been seeing a lot of tweets and talk on the Internet about War Room.

To be honest, I’m confused. Are you all sure it is the same movie I saw that you saw?

On one hand are the women getting very upset that War Room provides an excuse for cheating and irresponsible men while on the other hand are those happy that they’ve found a tool to keep an irresponsible man in check. Nah B, that isn’t what I saw.

The War Room I sat down to see was a about a woman who outsourced her happiness and the joy of her life to her husband so much so that she paid little or no attention to the cute angel she carried for Nine months. She needed/wanted her husband to ‘see’ her so badly. She craved his constant attention and needed so much to plan everything with him and wanted his approval so badly.

Of course, it was not forthcoming so it always got her riled up, absorbed in it and led to so many fights till she met this older lady (a praying woman) who became a mentor. This older lady told her she wished she knew what she knew now; the years she spent fighting and troubling her soul, would have been spent in so much peace and self-fulfilment so she has taken it upon herself to mentor younger ones to prevent same errors.

(Lesson 1: Not everyone needs to know your business, just the ones who genuinely will solve your problems)

The older lady took her on a self-finding journey. A journey to learn to pay more attention to herself, her child and build on her life cos the home battles were affecting her career. She was so focused on her husband that she talked about him at work and stuff. Selling houses became an issue.

This woman taught her how to pray for herself, for her family (generally), then what to pray regarding her husband. She didn’t tell her to pray her husband doesn’t cheat or to pray her husband starts loving her. There was a prayer and it struck me. It went thus; “Whenever my husband is thinking of doing something unlawful, expose him”. If you are reading this, this is the best and worst prayer anyone can pray for anyone who’s cutting corners.

(Lesson 2: Do not outsource your happiness. Focus on you)

So this lady placed her focus on herself and her daughter. She became happier, started glowing and the husband got suspicious but she was not fazed. Notice that her daughter became happier too? The house wasn’t filled with shouting or angry people. Notice when she saw the text proofs her friend sent her about Uncle’s sleazy ways and ignored it and Uncle was busy lying his way out till he figured she had caught him red-handed and man got scared she was going to poison him but she just ignored his foolishness? Boo, that was not her giving him a pass. That was her showing ‘I can exist without you but if you want to destroy yourself, I’m not helping you have an excuse’. She was genuinely happy with herself and he wasn’t a problem to her anymore. #Winning!

(Lesson 3: Foolish people do foolish things)

Uncle was busy skimming off work, lying to his work people and not bringing in gains and playing with company business. (I feel one of his slighted chicks gave him up). His office not only sacked him but also was going to prosecute him for fraud. Our guy became humble. You know everyone becomes religious when they’ve fucked up their lives. His ‘humbility’ was overflowing. Remember that prayer? Y’all really thought it was for cheating? Nah B! That prayer screwed his fake life up and helped him become a better human being to the community not just his family.

Let me also say this, War Room is directed as women as much as guys. It is as much a ‘be careful to guys’ as it is ‘don’t mortgage your joy’ to women.

Nobody is saying watch ‘War Room’ when someone is pummelling you. Don’t be foolish abeg, run without looking back. I don’t know what it feels like hitting someone (even ordinary slap, I never give before) but I can tell you being hit isn’t pleasurable. Just do what is best for you.

Imaginations...

In another world I could be different people.

One would be a Bible totting, praise-singing preacher with a megaphone standing by your window and bellowing on you to accept Christ or burn in everlasting hell while picking her way through the condoms littered on the street.

Now that I mention it, I have actually done that before as a kid. It was called ‘Morning Cry’ back in my days. Everyone in my neighbourhood knew I was the ‘Morning Cry’ girl and boys stayed away because I was often armed with one Scripture Union leaflet or the other to start my preaching. Made my parents comfortable and lessened the pressure of having ‘the talk’.

The irony of this all was I liked reading as a kid so I read everything from Lady Bug books through Sweet Valley High series straight up to James Hardley Chase and the Complete Works of Shakespeare.  The day I went looking for more reading materials, I discovered Ikebe Super then I got hooked and henceforth rearranged my finances to include a weekly purchase of Ikebe Super, Hints, Hearts and Better Lovers. Safe to say I ‘backslided’ in the things of the Lord.

That brings me to who I could have been in another world. I could have been ‘Ona’ the goddess with the olive black skin holding a Burlesque performance in the showy Parlours of Vegas or New York. It’s so serious that I chose a name sef…

I could have also been ‘Angelique’ a sleek curvy multi-lingual Escort who is actually a government spy. She has her ways with men in authority and milks their secrets and their money while at it.

My imaginations will fill a 100-page book. I’ve got two more weeks of boredom. I should totally pen down my random thoughts on Christian Grey, Sex and BDSM.

From the Archives...

I wrote this on 26th June, 2010. I can't believe I don't drink anymore

It's Mental Health Month, the 'MAYbe it would get better' month. Corny huh? Anyway, I went searching for my archives. I was encouraged to write everything in my head back then while dealing with Depression. I probably won't write like this now though. I always loved ellipsis but never got got it right...lol

The Crazy Shoes of of a...Drunk Gal

Sometimes, I wanna jump up and down my bed with my dress flapping around me and not minding if people are in the room or if am as naked as daylight....

Sometimes I just want to sit, chuck in my thumb in my mouth and suck away like I have no cares in the world....

Sometimes, I just wanna be catered for, boss everyone around and scream when I don’t get what I want, cry so I can be consoled....

Sometimes, I just wanna play in the mud, on the sand...kick balls around with the boys and not caring if my outfit looks nice nor if my make-up will be ruined

I wanna wake up one day and not think of how to survive and just let the day play out...

I want to wake up one day to a world that thinks biscuits and chocolates are worth more than money.

I wanna wake up to a day where I'll still believe my dad and mum don’t poo!

I still wanna think lies make you grow a long nose....

Sometimes, I wanna be cradled....

Sometimes, I wanna wake up thinking Milo's the greatest of God's creations

Am still grateful that I get a chance to do all these...........of course when a gal's drunk, not only the thinking cap is on but them crazy shoes are worn