TRAPPED...

Sometimes,

I wish I had the chance to start over.

I want a new life.

I hate the life I’m living.

I feel I’m living in a box, trapped and counting down to a disaster.

I am an expressive person but my passions die slowly every other day. I dream of a beautiful day, of cherries, of flowers and a smiling sun…

…Then I wake up and I’m still here.

I wish I had more to write, more to say but all I can think of is how much more time do I have till I implode?

Thoughts

I have never really been a child. Don’t get me wrong I have great parents. Saying otherwise would mean being an ungrateful child because they gave everything. They gave up their life and made tough choices.

Where I come from, ‘I love you’ is not said. It is shown in sacrifices and they did love me so much. I just wished the little girl in me understood all that then.

I feel alone most times. I used to be my own protector till I understood God. Understanding the mysteries of faith has still not helped wipe away that emptiness. That feeling that I want to sleep and not worry.

I cry most times out of frustrations. I am an insomniac simply because I worry. I have known worry since I was 12. I have not been able to shut my eyes in peace. I worry about everything, looking over my shoulder all the time.

I have been told several times to ‘relax and be calm’. It is easy to say especially when most people prove you right. The demons I battle every night don’t let me off easily.

Most times, I want my childhood back. I want to sleep with no worries and without springing up with that constant dream of falling into a hole all chained and bound like an animal with no one to rescue me.

I always look out for people who can watch my back while I sleep. Someone who can say ‘I got you’ and mean it. I have had a few of these in the past but you know, life happened. Life tells you nothing is perfect so you choose to either stay with ‘I got you’ and ignore the other variables or walk away. All the times, I walked away.

I’m up again, thinking of the odd choices I have made out of fear and uncertainty. I am thinking of my present situation, I still want my childhood. I want a shot at being able to sleep, being taken care of with no fear of harm or betrayal. Being able to close my eyes and walk the remaining distance knowing someone here on earth has got me.

Loneliness is a thing of the mind. I am perpetually lonely in the midst of a crowd. My thoughts give me no relief. I am bound by expectations of behaviour. It’s even worse now that I am afraid of reacting to issues. I smile stupidly, nod and giggle at unfunny things so I don’t come off as odd or angry. 

Relief comes once in a while when I can slip out in the dark and take a long walk, let out a high-pitched scream and walk back into my bed.

LESSONS

Selfishness:

One of the things I have learned in my life is to be selfish. Recently I have not been selfish and it has cost me a lot. Everyone loves himself or herself more than the next person so why not love you more than that person?

Let me tell you a bit of how selfishness can save you and make you more human. The holy books say to love ‘your neighbour as you love yourself’. Now you see the thing is we all have ways we love ourselves and one of the basic human needs is to be treated the way you want/like/love to be treated and not how another person likes being treated. We want our unique moulds to be recognised and put into consideration. Now if you want to keep to the neighbourly commandment, it means recognising the unique mould of another person and treating them the way they want to be treated/loved because that is what a selfish you will love.

Disappointments are good

I used to wail and panic and try to control situations in order to stem disappointments but I am acquiring a new aura of calmness about things. The logic is this; disappointments help you see the chink in another human’s armour. It exposes their vulnerability. It helps you measure trust. If I am expected to maintain a certain standard and I fall below it constantly, it is normal to demote me from that standard.

You know the old me used to think ‘expect nothing from people so you do not get disappointed’ but no, it is a sad way to live. We all come to life with expectations. It could be good, bad or unsure but there are always minimal expectations from everyone you meet. Expecting an outcome/yield/behaviour etc. from someone/something is a measure of respect/esteem or lack of it you have for that person/thing.

Now you see, when you hold those expectations, a disappointment is good. It’s a chance to reassess the situation and change the players in your life’s script.

It is obvious that if I expect nothing from you, you are on the lowest rung of life’s ladder for me. That means you are of no value to me and very dispensable. It is a sad place to be.

You can always do better

This seems a bit cliché but you can always do better. Okay, let me put it this way; ever had mind-blowing sex and you think “Yes!!!’ or ‘Finally!!!’ then you part ways and there is this other girl/guy who then proceeds to take you into unexplored realms of pleasure?

Yes, that’s the way it is. We always have standards/tastes that keep evolving. The good thing is every step up the ladder tells you what could lie ahead. I am not saying there is a definite measurement for what lies ahead but look back and tell me I am wrong.

Whatever you do, know when to pass and when to fold