Thoughts

I have never really been a child. Don’t get me wrong I have great parents. Saying otherwise would mean being an ungrateful child because they gave everything. They gave up their life and made tough choices.

Where I come from, ‘I love you’ is not said. It is shown in sacrifices and they did love me so much. I just wished the little girl in me understood all that then.

I feel alone most times. I used to be my own protector till I understood God. Understanding the mysteries of faith has still not helped wipe away that emptiness. That feeling that I want to sleep and not worry.

I cry most times out of frustrations. I am an insomniac simply because I worry. I have known worry since I was 12. I have not been able to shut my eyes in peace. I worry about everything, looking over my shoulder all the time.

I have been told several times to ‘relax and be calm’. It is easy to say especially when most people prove you right. The demons I battle every night don’t let me off easily.

Most times, I want my childhood back. I want to sleep with no worries and without springing up with that constant dream of falling into a hole all chained and bound like an animal with no one to rescue me.

I always look out for people who can watch my back while I sleep. Someone who can say ‘I got you’ and mean it. I have had a few of these in the past but you know, life happened. Life tells you nothing is perfect so you choose to either stay with ‘I got you’ and ignore the other variables or walk away. All the times, I walked away.

I’m up again, thinking of the odd choices I have made out of fear and uncertainty. I am thinking of my present situation, I still want my childhood. I want a shot at being able to sleep, being taken care of with no fear of harm or betrayal. Being able to close my eyes and walk the remaining distance knowing someone here on earth has got me.

Loneliness is a thing of the mind. I am perpetually lonely in the midst of a crowd. My thoughts give me no relief. I am bound by expectations of behaviour. It’s even worse now that I am afraid of reacting to issues. I smile stupidly, nod and giggle at unfunny things so I don’t come off as odd or angry. 

Relief comes once in a while when I can slip out in the dark and take a long walk, let out a high-pitched scream and walk back into my bed.